In a stunning act of intellectual treason, local columnist Ari Ioannides published an opinion piece in The Park Record questioning the unchecked growth of tourism in Park City—a stance immediately heralded as “profound” and “common sense” by residents, right up until someone found out he’s a registered Republican.
The betrayal hit hard.
“At first, I thought it was a brilliant critique of our sustainability hypocrisy,” said Tori Gleason, sipping a $17 oat-milk latte in her sustainably sourced sun hat at Five5eeds. “But then someone said he once voted for Romney, and I was like, oh. Eww. Delete.”
Ioannides’s article asked radical questions such as, “Should we maybe not try to pack town every single day of the year?” and “Is it weird that our town’s climate action plan includes subsidizing a luxury heli-ski startup?”
Mayor Nann Worel issued an emergency statement from her Peloton: “While we respect diverse viewpoints, we must remember that true sustainability means balancing carbon neutrality with 8% year-over-year growth in Instagrammable experiences. Besides, the Olympics are coming. Have you heard of the Olympics?”
Worel quickly announced a new task force to “investigate Republican influence on logic in civic discourse.” The task force will be funded by a grant from BlackRock Eco-Luxe and will host weekly community forums at the top of Guardsman Pass, accessible only by helicopter or sponsored gravel bike.
As for Ioannides, his suggestion that “less might actually be more” has been categorized as hate speech under the town’s Growth Positivity Ordinance. But don’t worry—Park City’s authenticity remains intact. After all, nothing says “local culture” quite like Sundance packing up and leaving town. Worel commented to Park City Weekly, “Don’t worry, we’ll find ways to ensure that every single hotel bed is filled during those two weeks, whether locals want that or not.”
