Q: Is this for real?
A: Absolutely. This is a real website and real computers were used to write real words. It does truly exist, we promise you. This is not some fuzzy dream where you wake up with a huka in hand in some heroine den in Jakarta. The better question is, “is the news real?”. Of course not. Have you seen the crap we’ve written? How could any of that be mistaken for reality?
Q: What’s your mission statement?
A: People still have those things?
Q: You used my name, stop it?
A: That’s not really a question but we’ll answer it anyway. Congrats you are celebrity — or at least a public figure. The Supreme Court has upheld satire and parody of public figures are protected forms of speech. All other names, besides public figures, are made up. Here is the standard disclaimer that applies: The story, all names (expect occasionally some public figures), characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
Q: Did “so and so” really say what your story said?
A: NO. All quotes and generally the entire story is made up. It is not real. It is satire. Que esto no es verdadera mierda.
Q: Why do you hate Park City?
A: Because it is so easy. OK, we don’t really hate Park City… but sometimes people are a little too serious around here, don’t you think?
Q: I love your site. Will you write something horrible about me?
A: While we are sure it would be easy, unfortunately we don’t take suggestions from the public at large. If we did, then we’d have to cut you in on the millions in profits we are making from Park City Weekly.
Q: Your writer, Sockeye Jones is a looker. Is he available for a date?
A: Unfortunately he is dead. All stories from Sockeye come to us during weekly seances. That said, if your into necrophilia, we’ll be happy to invite you to an upcoming seance.
Q: What’s your favorite restaurant in Park City?
A: Bombay House in Salt Lake City.
Q:What if I want to sue Park City Weekly?
A: We’d appreciate it if you did not do that. The First Amendment protects satire as a form of free speech and expression. Park City Weekly uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Park City Weekly is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Q: I’d really like to get to know your writer, Billy Smith. Can you arrange something?
A: Only if you are 5. Derek Spitzer, is that you?