In a heartfelt gesture of support, Superintendent Lyndsay Huntsman has announced that every Park City School District employee will receive a one-time “Emotional Distress Bonus” of $78,501 — just one glorious dollar more than the emotional-distress severance awarded to former COO Mike Tanner.
“Look, if Mike got $78,500 to walk away stressed, surely our staff deserves $78,501 just for staying. Do you realize what they have gone through the last six years?,” Huntsman said, while casually sipping herbal tea and sprinkling rose petals on an HR report.
Teachers, bus drivers, cafeteria heroes, and even Gary from maintenance — who once fixed a copier with a paper clip and a prayer — will all receive the bonus in appreciation for what Huntsman called “surviving, thriving, and only occasionally scream-sighing into their coffee.”
“This dollar isn’t just symbolic,” she added. “It’s therapeutic. Like a venti latte, but with slightly more zeros.”
Reactions across the district ranged from “Wait, seriously?” to “I’m finally taking an emotional support trip to Cabo.” One kindergarten teacher at Jeremy Ranch reportedly burst into spontaneous jazz hands.
The district will pay for the bonus using a combination of lease-revenue bonds which will be funded by school district bake sales and increasing property taxes.
Sources say the bonus will be accompanied by a custom stress-relief kit, including a lavender candle, a playlist of encouraging pot-gut noises, and a scratch-and-sniff sticker that smells like summer break.
“It’s not about the money,” Huntsman said with a wink. “It’s about one extra dollar of peace.”
