It is with a heavy heart and a slightly lighter bladder that we bid farewell to Kiera Birkland, a tireless warrior who bravely stood her ground in the most important legislative struggle of our time: regulating bathrooms. While lesser politicians wasted their energy on trivial matters like education, healthcare, or economic development, Senator Birkland had the vision to recognize that the real threat to society wasn’t inequality or poverty—it was who might be using the stall next to you.
Birkland’s innovative approach to governance will surely be missed. Who else could spend hours drafting bathroom bills while completely ignoring the plumbing issues of, well, everything else? Her focus was laser-sharp: protecting our porcelain sanctuaries from the terrifying specter of inclusion. While critics might scoff, we supporters know that Kiera’s singular dedication to this cause saved countless Utahns from the unspeakable horror of unregulated restroom usage. Her legacy will undoubtedly endure in the annals of legislative brilliance—or at least in the graffiti on restroom walls.
As she moves on to the next phase of her career—perhaps designing gender-segregated outhouses or starting a subscription box service for bathroom-specific ID badges—Utah will be left to grapple with the void she leaves behind. But let us not despair. Let us instead celebrate the courage of a leader who never let common sense, empathy, or the actual needs of her constituents get in the way of her crusade. Farewell, Senator Birkland. You flushed away opportunities for progress, but at least you never ran out of hot air.
